People don't seem to understand my particular flavor of Social Anxiety Disorder, even when I explain it to them. And, if they do get it, they always ask "If you're so afraid, why are you an actor?". These people missed the concept entirely, so I'm going to write this down along with the point I also wanted to make with this.
My Social Anxiety consists of two things: crowds and rejection. I don't feel myself in crowds. Too many variables. You can't please everyone, which leads to rejection by some. Social Anxiety had trained me to think that no one will like me naturally. I have to do something or be something that the person specifically likes for them to tolerate me. "I'm not a good person of my own accord," my brain says. This is why, when asked to hang out outside of school, I'll mostly say no. I'm one person at school. I've built up this person that is liked by the people I want to be liked by. At your house, or outside school, I don't know how to be to make people happy. My rational half of my brain knows how stupid this is. It's impossible to be liked by everyone one-hundred percent of the time. IMPOSSIBLE. But my irrational, disorder controlled brain still makes me do what I do out of fear.
This, seriously, is why it's good for me to be an actor. I'm told how to be, who to be, what I am as a person and the little Alice that's scared of being disliked goes away for a few minutes or hours. It's sad to say, but I'm most at home being someone else.
Which brings me to my second part.
Today I took the stage for the last time this year with my Play Productions class. Seniors graduate tomorrow and I'm, honestly, not taking it well. I've met people this year who've seen past my Social Anxiety and have honestly accepted me. More people than I can count, honestly. And now, most of them are leaving. This hurts me, to say goodbye. I've already addressed this in another blog, but I still don't deal with change well. People that I'm so close to, I'll probably never see again. I'll give them my farewells tomorrow, but what after then?
So, today, as I preformed with them for the last time, I gave all that I could. In one scene, where I had to act like I was crying, I almost broke down. It was hard for me, but I held it back. Now, with nothing really to stop me, I can't do much but type things out.
I regret today. I do. Not because I didn't perform as well as I could have, I was fine, I suppose. No, what I regret is not saying my goodbyes. I just casually acted as if I would see everyone tomorrow, even though there's no guarantee that I will. Finding people in a see of graduates? Yeah, good luck with that...But I told myself that I would try to take pictures, hug and say goodbye, but I couldn't. I told someone that I would "see them later." and I realized, after they had gone, when would that be?
So, my senior friends and friends that I'm losing (especially the ones in Play Pro), this lengthy blog is my goodbye to you all. I hope you all realize how much you've helped me progress. I'm less of a toned down person, less unafraid of being eccentric, because of your words and helpful ways. I'll miss seeing you every day. I have a few leader like roles to fill and I don't know how I'll go through them all without your guidance. I'll try to keep in touch, but who knows how I'll be? Social Anxiety could creep up at any moment. So, realize how much I care if I contact you outside of school...
Fairfarren,
Alice
Too Long, Didn't Read?: I love you all and my life will be lesser with you gone.
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