I'm going to preface this post by saying I don't deal with change well. I never have.
I'm going to preface this a second time by saying this post will be extremely depressing.
I'm going to throw in this third preface and say that I just need to vent, so you'll just have to deal with my depressing behavior.
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I've been living in a bubble of depression for over a month now and I've been trying to deal with it. I thought of when it began and then I really figured it all out. It started when I heard something.
I hear things all of the time (well duh) but sometimes they're things in my head. My imagination likes to branch out and try and mess with me. Mostly I will hear piano in other rooms and it drives me nuts. It's hearing something you don't know is there and it's not an enjoyable feeling. I had one of those moments when my boyfriend was around and I freaked out. And that, I honestly feel, was the moment I lost him.
We kind of drifted apart until he just disappeared for one week. His aunt died, which is horrid for him, but I was still upset with him because I didn't hear a word from him. I sent him a message every day asking where he was, what was up. I found out from one of his friends who had contacted him saying that he was at a funeral. I was livid, but I realize that sometimes things just slip so I was willing to let it go. That following Monday, he proceeded to tell me how I had never tried to contact him and gave no response when he sent me a message about his aunt dying (a message that I never received) and told me we needed to break up.
I had been in my depression bubble for a while before this point, so the news felt numb in me. Nothing was going right in my life, I hadn't been genuinely happy in weeks, so I just accepted it. Now that my depression fog has somewhat lifted, it hurts me to see him because I don't understand. I'm trying to move on, at this moment, but the person I currently care about is 'not interested in a relationship'. Glorious.
Life: 1
Alice: -3
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My parents got divorced this summer. I know it's odd to be really reflecting upon this now, but it's just sinking in. This is mostly due to my mother's recent engagement to her boyfriend. I wasn't entirely surprised by the news, it was inevitable in my mind. I just didn't expect it so soon.
The entire time she told me, all I could think was 'We just changed...Don't change again'. But I'm not going to stop her at this point, though. She's happy and I will stand by her. But it's not just the change that's bothering me. It's the people who keep telling me that I shouldn't have to go through this sudden change in my family. I've heard this from a few friends and it really bothers me. Life isn't fair to anyone. I don't have a force field around me to prevent this. I'm fine with this. It just happens. It's a part of my life now. Stop telling me otherwise.
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Finally...And this will be the longest part of this already long blog...
My dog of 13 years passed away this morning. He had been having trouble walking all week and when he tried to get up this morning, he collapsed and hit his head. His body stopped functioning then. My mother tried to get him to walk downstairs, but his legs folded uselessly under him so she carried him. He couldn't even hold his head up. He wouldn't drink water, like my mother thought he wanted to do. So, we just sat there on the couch to see if he would try to move.
After waiting a few minutes, he started to spasm and I thought for a moment he was trying to get out of my mom's arms and onto the floor to walk around but, after a few short spasms...Nothing. He just...stopped so suddenly. My mother freaked out at that moment and I just grew numb again, just as I had when my boyfriend broke up with me. I started to cry without realizing and my mom rushed me to call my father to say his goodbyes.
As we waited for my dad, I just stared at my dog, watching for any movement. I thought that maybe he had just fallen into some brief coma and would wake up. But color drained from him and he didn't blink and it was obvious that he was gone.
My dad arrived after he had passed. I don't think I'll see anything so sad as my dad shaking my dog gently and calling his name, looking for a response. He was his dog, after all. He had always favored my dad and for him to not be there in the last moments was heartbreaking.
My parents left soon after to take the body to the vet for cremation and I stayed home with my other dog, Aero. They were brothers, close ever since we brought Aero home from his litter. I wonder now if he even realizes what has happened. He hasn't whimpered or cried. I wonder if he thinks that his big brother is just staying somewhere for a while. I worry for the day he realizes he's not coming back...
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I write all of these things here to just put out how my last month has been and how my life has changed around me. I just wonder why, this month, my life has decided to flip around on me like this. I don't think it would have been as bad if things were scattered out but every thing's compiled into about six weeks...It's getting tough to deal sometimes.
My dear cousin, Sarah, and I spoke a lot after my parents separated. She told me "Ya know, life hates everyone once in a while. It places this big pile of hatred and sadness in front of everyone. Sometimes it's a short pile, sometimes it's a long one, but everyone has on every once in a while. You just have to deal with the pile life gives you." Well, Sarah, life certainly has handed me a big pile and I have to pull through it on my own. I just wonder how much longer I'll have to go to see the light of day again.
I'm going to close this with a thought I had on my drive home today.
Every life is like a story, in my mind. You're the hero/heroine of your own narrative. In this frame of mind, I pondered what heroine I am and how will my story end? Am I Sophie Hatter? Am I a girl who faces hardships, curses, demons, wizards and temper tantrums to make it through it all a better person with Howl at her side? Or am I Princess Tutu? Am I a girl who is giving her all to protect and help those she loves, only to have those people leave her and have her turn into an insignificant duck?
I can't be sure of any of this, but I'm sure it'll work itself out in the end.
With no alarms and no surprises,
Alice
P.S.
I love you all.
P.P.S.
The Navidson Record is the greatest movie to never exist.
