My Pile

I'm going to preface this post by saying I don't deal with change well. I never have.

I'm going to preface this a second time by saying this post will be extremely depressing.

I'm going to throw in this third preface and say that I just need to vent, so you'll just have to deal with my depressing behavior.

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I've been living in a bubble of depression for over a month now and I've been trying to deal with it. I thought of when it began and then I really figured it all out. It started when I heard something.

I hear things all of the time (well duh) but sometimes they're things in my head. My imagination likes to branch out and try and mess with me. Mostly I will hear piano in other rooms and it drives me nuts. It's hearing something you don't know is there and it's not an enjoyable feeling. I had one of those moments when my boyfriend was around and I freaked out. And that, I honestly feel, was the moment I lost him.

We kind of drifted apart until he just disappeared for one week. His aunt died, which is horrid for him, but I was still upset with him because I didn't hear a word from him. I sent him a message every day asking where he was, what was up. I found out from one of his friends who had contacted him saying that he was at a funeral. I was livid, but I realize that sometimes things just slip so I was willing to let it go. That following Monday, he proceeded to tell me how I had never tried to contact him and gave no response when he sent me a message about his aunt dying (a message that I never received) and told me we needed to break up.

I had been in my depression bubble for a while before this point, so the news felt numb in me. Nothing was going right in my life, I hadn't been genuinely happy in weeks, so I just accepted it. Now that my depression fog has somewhat lifted, it hurts me to see him because I don't understand. I'm trying to move on, at this moment, but the person I currently care about is 'not interested in a relationship'. Glorious.

Life: 1
Alice: -3

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My parents got divorced this summer. I know it's odd to be really reflecting upon this now, but it's just sinking in. This is mostly due to my mother's recent engagement to her boyfriend. I wasn't entirely surprised by the news, it was inevitable in my mind. I just didn't expect it so soon.

The entire time she told me, all I could think was 'We just changed...Don't change again'. But I'm not going to stop her at this point, though. She's happy and I will stand by her. But it's not just the change that's bothering me. It's the people who keep telling me that I shouldn't have to go through this sudden change in my family. I've heard this from a few friends and it really bothers me. Life isn't fair to anyone. I don't have a force field around me to prevent this. I'm fine with this. It just happens. It's a part of my life now. Stop telling me otherwise.

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Finally...And this will be the longest part of this already long blog...

My dog of 13 years passed away this morning. He had been having trouble walking all week and when he tried to get up this morning, he collapsed and hit his head. His body stopped functioning then. My mother tried to get him to walk downstairs, but his legs folded uselessly under him so she carried him. He couldn't even hold his head up. He wouldn't drink water, like my mother thought he wanted to do. So, we just sat there on the couch to see if he would try to move.

After waiting a few minutes, he started to spasm and I thought for a moment he was trying to get out of my mom's arms and onto the floor to walk around but, after a few short spasms...Nothing. He just...stopped so suddenly. My mother freaked out at that moment and I just grew numb again, just as I had when my boyfriend broke up with me. I started to cry without realizing and my mom rushed me to call my father to say his goodbyes.

As we waited for my dad, I just stared at my dog, watching for any movement. I thought that maybe he had just fallen into some brief coma and would wake up. But color drained from him and he didn't blink and it was obvious that he was gone.

My dad arrived after he had passed. I don't think I'll see anything so sad as my dad shaking my dog gently and calling his name, looking for a response. He was his dog, after all. He had always favored my dad and for him to not be there in the last moments was heartbreaking.

My parents left soon after to take the body to the vet for cremation and I stayed home with my other dog, Aero. They were brothers, close ever since we brought Aero home from his litter. I wonder now if he even realizes what has happened. He hasn't whimpered or cried. I wonder if he thinks that his big brother is just staying somewhere for a while. I worry for the day he realizes he's not coming back...

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I write all of these things here to just put out how my last month has been and how my life has changed around me. I just wonder why, this month, my life has decided to flip around on me like this. I don't think it would have been as bad if things were scattered out but every thing's compiled into about six weeks...It's getting tough to deal sometimes.

My dear cousin, Sarah, and I spoke a lot after my parents separated. She told me "Ya know, life hates everyone once in a while. It places this big pile of hatred and sadness in front of everyone. Sometimes it's a short pile, sometimes it's a long one, but everyone has on every once in a while. You just have to deal with the pile life gives you." Well, Sarah, life certainly has handed me a big pile and I have to pull through it on my own. I just wonder how much longer I'll have to go to see the light of day again.

I'm going to close this with a thought I had on my drive home today.

Every life is like a story, in my mind. You're the hero/heroine of your own narrative. In this frame of mind, I pondered what heroine I am and how will my story end? Am I Sophie Hatter? Am I a girl who faces hardships, curses, demons, wizards and temper tantrums to make it through it all a better person with Howl at her side? Or am I Princess Tutu? Am I a girl who is giving her all to protect and help those she loves, only to have those people leave her and have her turn into an insignificant duck?

I can't be sure of any of this, but I'm sure it'll work itself out in the end.

With no alarms and no surprises,
Alice

P.S.
I love you all.

P.P.S.
The Navidson Record is the greatest movie to never exist.

AN UPDATE?! Sweet jumproping Jesus!

Good evening, readers.

I know it's been a while, but life has been eating my soul more than it usually does. I am now juggling school, the musical (Sound of Music), trying to find a job, getting my birthday things together, and a relationship. My tiny twisted mind should be exploding right about now.

But, seeing as my cranium is still perfectly happy, here I am for the first time in a while. I intend to keep updating this for my own sanity (or lack thereof), so expect more. I'll try to not make them all movie related.

Soooo....It's October everyone! 'Tis my personal favorite time of the year. Halloween is something I live for, not to mention the Banzai Con (the local anime convention) and my birthday. But, because of all these things, I am stressed. After rehearsals, of which there are few for the chorus now, I try and get my homework done and start construction on all of the things I need for my birthday party.

Those few who saw my blog previous to this one (Lifeless, Loveless...I'm sure you can find it) know that I take my parties hardcore. Last year, I stage my own Mad Hatter tea party with games and music and cheap little Unbirthday presents for everyone. This year, it's a Sleepy Hollow murder mystery.

Oh yes, there will be blood. And severed heads.

This post was just meant to be a brief update of my goings-on, so I'll wrap it up so I can go bake cake.

Anyone willing to donate a head?
Alice


Parting words of unrelated wisdom:
WHY. DIDN'T. YOU. DOOOOOOOODDDDDDDGGGGEEEE????
(I'm in love with DBZ Abridged and YuGiOh Abridged....)

I Have no Idea Where this Will Go (Which Turned into a Conversation of Home)

Hello readers.

Once more, I'm making a late (or early, depending on your point of view) post.

This one shall not be some kind of movie review, but mostly just a talk about what's been going on with me at the moment. I apologize in advance to anyone who finds this insanely annoying, seeing as, just as the title tells, I don't know what I'll be writing about.

I have spent the last week in the care of my cousin whilst my mother has been on adventures in Oregon. Oregon, where it's nice and cool (though windy). Her vacation made me think of how much I would rather be somewhere else than here. I've always felt like that, I suppose. Of course, living in a desert will make anyone pray for grass and flowers that don't die.

Okay, we have bother of those. But I apparently can't keep them alive.

Anyway, the thoughts of roaming from home brought up the thoughts of where I would go if I could leave.

London is the first to come to mind, but it's so far. Oregon, where my mother has been, has been the second thought. That is a much more plausible option.

But, ever thinking of the consequences of my actions, I think of everyone I have here. All of my friends and family and the people who mean the most to me. I used to be really scared of people outside of my circle, and now I'm pretty outgoing at times, which is a change. I wonder if this is because I've adjusted to where I am and I have found a nice little hole that I'm comfortable in.

So, then another question arises. Will I be this comfortable in another place? Without something familiar, what will I lose?

I think this is another part of growing up: growing out. I fear the end of my high school career, even though being a teacher means that my career in school shall never end. I fear this separation. I mean, for someone with the teetering instabilities that I've been given, separation isn't exactly a good idea.

Oh well, the future is...well, away from me at the moment. So I'll just wait and live as I am now. Just focus on acting, teaching and living.

As someone very dear to me told me: If I can't deal with being away from home, I'll have to bring someone with me.

Currently loving Amanda Palmer,
Alice

Parting words of unrelated wisdom:

Slender Man = Creepy.

More Parting words of unrelated wisdom:

I did find a Lotso Huggin Bear. And he does smell like strawberries. And I was happy.

How on Earth did Plastic Make me Cry?

It is now 1:42 in the morning as I type this, but I'm texting friends and I think I should write this before I go off to bed.

Toy Story 3

Yes, I'm fully aware that the movie came out ages ago. I just barely got around to seeing it. I was mostly apprehensive about going because I didn't know how much I would care for the characters after eleven years of separation. And, honestly, most people I know that have seen it said that they cried. I hate crying in public, because I'm an ugly crier. Like...My face wrinkles up and my chin muscles behave in an odd way.

Needless to say, it's not pretty.

However, a trip that my mother has planned has her wanting to do things with me before she leaves, so we decided to adventure off to see Toy Story. To my great joy, there was pretty much no one in the theater. This was mostly because everyone had probably seen it already and were probably two viewing rooms over watching The Last Airbender.

Never have I been so happy that M. Night made a movie.

Anyway, I was amazed at how beautiful the story was. Honestly, I've chalked up Pixar and their subsequent owner, Disney, as an evil monopoly that just wants my money through their movies and merchandise that I MUST have. This movie, though (Along with the animated Princess and the Frog) has really changed my mind about the companies. I'm sure they really are bloodsuckers on the inside (probably with some relation to the dreaded Edward Cullen) but they make fantastic movies with a real heart. WALL-E can still make me bawl like an infant.

And yes, I cried at this movie. Though I haven't actually watched the first two movies in ages, I cried. And if you've seen this last part of the Toy Story series and didn't, at least, feel a lump in your throat or some kind of sadness, you are a heartless person.

Seriously, your heart must be gone and eaten by zombies. It was that level of sadness. And it was a sadness that I was glad to feel.

It's now 1:54 AM and I'm running out of conversation pieces, so I'll just wrap up.

In conclusion, Toy Story 3: Wicked yes, but with tears, Disney/Pixar: Still probably evil.

Wishing she had a bear that smelled of strawberries,
Alice

Parting words of unrelated wisdom:

These movies should have never had a sequel:

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Cats and Dogs
Nanny McPhee

Just...Just no.

Bite Me and I Swear, I'll Kill You

Okay, if I get a lot of angry post, comments, or e-mails about this, I fear for our civilization. Here it goes....

Twilight

Yes, I said it, the dreaded 'T' word that the large novel reading populous despises.

I only bring this up because, not one week ago, the third installment of the almost 'made-for-TV' quality movies, hit theaters with a fiery vengeance. At the siren call of Edward Cullen, teenage girls (and some of their poor boyfriends) were crammed into theaters to watch Bella and her duo of supernatural hotties (if you can find it in your cold heart to find Robert Pattinson hot.)

I will admit to reading and loving the series as a twelve year old when the books first emerged. I was sucked into the world for a long time. Then I read an actually well thought out book, The Count of Monte Cristo, and then read Breaking Dawn. At that glorious epiphany of a moment I realized something.

"These books kind of suck."

And the movie franchise can pretty much be described in the same way. This is mostly because of the very whiny and unlikeable character, Bella. She just sits and plays with these two guys, who are up for murdering each other in her honor, like it's really not much of anything. To quote countless My Life is Average posts, Twilight has no moral structure except how important your virginity is and how much your life sucks without a boyfriend. And this is not something I want to teach my kids.

No, my good readers, my children shall be raised on the values of Harry Potter.

But, my generation is going to be sadly remembered for this 'Twi-hard' extravaganza. I'm glad to just stay in my basement and read my zombie novels until this all blows over, which won't be until the second half of 'Breaking Dawn' comes and goes.

On, on that note, why is Breaking Dawn in two parts? The book wasn't that long and had a crap load of filler that just built up to a huge fight where they didn't even fight! It is not the Deathly Hallows, where there is a lot of things to be covered. Half of that book was fluff from the abyss that the entire filler season of Naruto crawled out of.

But, I will admit that I will be seeing Breaking Dawn. Only for the part where the baby eats it's way out of Bella like that one scene in alien.

Om nom nom.

But I digress, and should probably start wrapping this up.

So in conclusion, Twilight: No. Zombies: Yes.

Prepared with her Zombie Plan,
Alice

Parting words of unrelated wisdom:

M. Night, I don't care how Asian you are, you cannot change the pronunciation or Aang or Sokka! You are not the series creator!

An Introduction

Good morrow, fair readers, though there are probably none of you out there.

I am Alice, a simple writer of this blog and holder of many opinions.

On this blog, you will find my opinions on movies (my thoughts and my reviews, mostly), my opinions on games and technology, and on life in general.

I promise, no whiny teenage angst unless I'm angry at some angsty teenager.

That's all for now, I'll have a post up about something in just a few minutes...

Love,
Alice